


Precious

by Emilie_786



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Missing Scene, S5E1: Night, more than friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-21
Updated: 2021-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-28 04:00:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30133665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilie_786/pseuds/Emilie_786
Summary: His captain expected him to be a respectful first officer: give her the space she asked for, perform whatever duties she couldn’t or wouldn’t do, and maintain her image with the crew. Nothing more. She wanted nothing more from him, but he was her friend as well as her first officer.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 22
Kudos: 66





	Precious

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Voyagirl47](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voyagirl47/gifts).



> Thank you *so much* to Loopdeloup for the ideas, encouragement, and beta!

**Precious**

Season Five, Episode One: Night

_Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together. -Unknown_

Chakotay took three swift steps away from Kathryn's quarters. Then his steps slowed. Then stopped. He ran a hand through his hair. His captain expected him to be a respectful first officer: give her the space she asked for, perform whatever duties she couldn’t or wouldn’t do, and maintain her image with the crew. Nothing more. She wanted nothing more from him, but he was her friend as well as her first officer. In that moment, he chose friendship.

Turning back, he rang the door chime on Kathryn’s quarters again. 

“Go away, Chakotay,” came her muffled reply.

He rang the chime again.

“Please leave me alone.” She sounded like she might be holding back tears. Chakotay overrode the door lock. He had imagined himself marching inside and shaking some sense into her, but he stopped just over the threshold. One look at Kathryn’s silhouette against the empty viewport told him this was not the time to be overbearing or demanding. She looked different than she had minutes before, even more exhausted, torn apart, and hopeless.

“First officers do not have override codes to captain’s quarters,” Kathryn stated without turning to face him.

“Maquis first officers do,” he replied.

“Should I expect a mutiny,” she scoffed, and then muttered, “because you can have it.” She turned back to the viewport. “I don’t feel like visiting the holodecks, but thank you for the invitation, Commander.”

That stung. “Well, I guess I’ll have a seat then.”

“Don’t you need to go—” she made a sweeping gesture with one hand, almost as if she were shooing him away, “—command something?”

“You mean your ship, Captain? I think at the moment I’m needed most right here.”

She turned and raised an eyebrow.

“Tuvok has the bridge. My shift ends in twenty minutes,” he supplied.

“Well, you’re wasting your time here. I’d rather be alone.”

“I would like to stay,” he said softly.

“Suit yourself.”

Chakotay took a seat on the sofa a couple of meters from where she stood. From there he could see her face in profile, at least. “Will you listen if I talk?”

Her only response was the shrug of her shoulders as she turned back to the blank view out her window.

Patiently, delicately, firmly, he began to explain how the things she had been thinking were misguided. He knew she carried the weight of her decision to destroy the caretaker like a mountain of guilt. As if she had done it for her own self, and not to save the Ocampans from genocide. So he reminded her that she had given hope and a future to and entire race of aliens. “You saved innocent people from destruction, Kathryn. That is not selfish and the crew stands behind your decision. They have their moments sometimes, but we get past them. Most of them are proud to have been able to make that sacrifice, and proud to serve under a captain who would make such an honorable decision, who would put doing what’s right before doing what’s convenient. Who puts other’s needs before her own career. Surely you have served with enough captains to know that is not always the case?” 

Kathryn gave a little huff, rubbed her forehead and looked out at the stars again. 

“You’ve sacrificed the most, Chakotay. Gave up your own ship, your independence. Why? You know I wouldn’t have locked you in the brig, not once we were here in the Delta Quadrant. You could have made your own way home, you didn’t have to destroy the Val Jean to save us. I would have recovered Tuvok and then let you travel with us or away from us, as you saw fit.”

“I’ve thought about that. Many times. Would my crew have been better off on the Val Jean? Maybe, in some ways, some of the time. They had a rather cold reception here, and a rough adjustment. But I made the decision to destroy her for the greater good, for the Ocampans, and for Voyager’s crew. I’ve thought about what it would have been like to still be on the Val Jean, and honestly, I’m glad I’m here.” He gave her a dimpled smile, “It was a split second decision—it’s a miracle I made it to Voyager with my medicine bundle. Actually it’s a miracle I made it off the Val Jean alive.”

Now Kathryn was the one to smile, just a little, and she sat down and reached across the sofa to touch his arm for a moment, “I’m glad you made it. So glad. But, I wish you hadn’t had to make that sacrifice for me—for Voyager. You gave up too much,” Kathryn was silent for a few moments, twisting her body to look at the blackness outside, then she looked at Chakotay directly with the severe gaze that had quelled many a hostile alien and unruly crewman. “You could have that back. You can have a ship of your own again—you can take command of Voyager. Now. I won’t protest.” Eyes never leaving his, she started unfastening the pips on her collar. “In fact, I want you to do this. You have sufficient reason to declare me unfit for command. The Doctor will agree, he has every reason to see that I’m not Voyager’s captain anymore. You must see that. Everyone must see it.” Kathryn clutched four pips in the fist she thrust toward Chakotay.

His eyes had grown wider as Kathryn had gone on, and when she was done he still looked at her, seeing how serious she was, and how desperate. This was not the Kathryn he knew. Except it was, there was no alien influence here, no coercion. She honestly thought she was doing the best thing for her ship. _What am I going to do now?_ Chakotay thought frantically.

He took her fist in both of his, wrapping his fingers around her entire hand—the hand that held the emblems of her captaincy—so that she could not let go of them. Before he knew what to say, she went on.

“I’m not kidding Chakotay, I don’t belong in this position and my actions have proven it. I was only given the rank of captain to honor my father’s memory anyway. If I had been born into any other family I wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t be here. What kind of captain deliberately strands her crew 75 years from home on her first command?” Kathryn wrenched her hand from Chakotay’s and threw the pips, her eyes wide as they scattered on the carpet, and then she collapsed in on herself, covering her face with her hands and then pushing her hands through her hair, drawing her knees up in front of her and tucking her head down behind them. 

Chakotay felt like he was just a spectator watching a horrible scene unfold, about which he could do nothing. He didn’t have time to think of what to say or how to help, so he didn’t think. He moved closer to Kathryn and slowly, gently put his arms around her. When her elbow let him know she didn’t want his embrace, he moved back far enough that he was not touching her and cradled his head in his own hands with his elbows on his knees. They sat like that for a minute, Chakotay asking any spirits that might help him for guidance, and Kathryn sinking deeper in the spiral of her own tortured thoughts.

As smoothly as he could, Chakotay slid off the couch onto the floor and began collecting the tiny pips. Quietly he started talking again, “I could never be the captain you are, Kathryn. This ship needs you like she needs dilithium. And I wouldn’t give up being your first officer, not even if you offered me command of a galaxy class starship full of rebel fighters. I want the job I have now.” He had gathered all the pips, finding the last one where it had rolled behind one of the table legs, and he knelt in front of her on the floor, Kathryn’s pips now safe in his own fist. He was determined to get them back on her collar, but he would wait until she was ready.

“You know,” he went on gently, “I wouldn’t have done it—I wouldn’t have destroyed the Val Jean, and even after that I wouldn’t have stayed on Voyager if I hadn’t seen that you were a competent, brilliant, and courageous captain who acted with integrity. I would have taken the Maquis who wanted to come with me and left. I could have you know, I had a plan, but it wasn’t long before I’d seen enough to know that you were the best leader we could have. You are our best hope, Kathryn Janeway. You have the allegiance of this crew, all of them, and you have mine.”

He could tell this was affecting her by the way her body relaxed just slightly. Unfortunately, he was running out of words. The things that were coming into his mind to say next were things she was not in the right frame of mind to hear. 

“You would have been a captain before I was, you would have had seniority, you know,” Kathryn began, her big eyes that looked so dark in the poorly lit quarters peeking at him over her knees. Chakotay had no idea what she was talking about but he tried to keep his face from showing his confusion. “Owen Paris told me, when he sent me to capture you. You were teaching at the Academy, but they needed captains urgently because they had just rolled out the first set of replacement ships after Wolf 359. That’s why Nimembeh wanted to see you. He was going to offer you command of the—“

“Kathryn, I don’t care about any of that now. It just doesn’t matter.”

Ignoring his interruption, she continued, “So as far as I’m concerned, you were an officer when I was still in grade school, and you were fully qualified for the rank of captain years before I was even considered. You gained valuable command experience in the Maquis, and I’m not going to hold your convictions against you,” she scoffed, “I would just be a hypocrite if I did that. So it’s yours, I’m done. Assign me to the science station, or to help the Doctor, or scrub the decks. Whatever you think is fitting.” She turned toward the viewport again, tears glistening in her eyes.

He was losing. She wanted him not only to take command of Voyager but to assign her to scrub the decks? To punish her? That was unthinkable. Chakotay sighed, praying he would continue to have patience with this woman he respected so much. He was going to have to change his tactics.

“Kathryn,” he said her name reverently, resisting the urge to reach out and touch her, “have you ever thought about what could have—what probably would have happened if you had not destroyed the Caretaker’s Array?”

“Yes, we would be home right now,” she replied derisively. “I’d be married to Mark and you would be—“

Chakotay put a hand on Kathryn’s leg to stop her. He closed his eyes. This was not the direction he meant to take but her mention of marrying her ex-fiance affected him more than he cared to admit. He had to take a deep breath before he could continue.

“I would be in prison, or dead,” he opened his eyes and rushed on before she could respond, “but that’s not what I meant. How many crew members died when the Caretaker brought Voyager to the Delta Quadrant?”

Kathryn pulled her upper body back into the couch cushion, away from him. He hadn’t wanted to bring this up, because he wasn’t sure it would help and he was afraid reliving it might hurt her. It looked like his fears were well founded. 

“You know the numbers as well as I do, Chakotay,” Kathryn said accusingly.

He exhaled and went on, “So how many might have died had we attempted a return trip?”

Kathryn’s eyes widened at that. He could see she hadn’t really considered it. She must have known any attempt to use the array would be dangerous. Didn’t she? Maybe she hadn’t thought about it? He continued, “You could have lost half of the crew who had survived. Voyager could have been destroyed, or might not have ended up back in the Alpha Quadrant. The caretaker was from another galaxy—what if we had ended up even farther from home?”

Kathryn was silent. Chakotay tried to judge the effect his words were having but she was as still as a statue, and her eyes remained wide. So he continued:

“Then the Array would have been unguarded, and what would the Kazon have done with it? Enslaved the entire Ocampan population? Killed other Kazon sects? Pulled unprepared ships from who knows where to steal their technology and capture their crew? Federation ships, perhaps?”

Kathryn made a little squeaky noise that reminded Chakotay of a puppy. She put a fist to her mouth and her eyes focused above his head on the wall behind him.

“You did the best you could, Kathryn. It was an impossible decision, but I believe you made the right choice. If you really think I have more command experience and qualification, then trust my assessment.” He scooted toward her on his knees and put one hand on each of her arms, the four pips held by his last two fingers. “You did the right thing.” He looked intently in Kathryn’s eyes, trying to convey his sincerity, his faith in her, and his devotion to her in his gaze.

Kathryn wrenched herself from his hands and stood up, brushing past him on her way past the furniture to the clear side of the room that he had nicknamed her ‘pacing path.’ Chakotay knew he had not gotten through to her, and also that the pips he thought were secure between two of his fingers and the palm of his hand were now on or between the cushions of the sofa. He could only see two pips after she got up, so he snatched those two and wondered how many coffee rations it would take to replicate another two. Maybe he could just borrow some. Harry probably wouldn’t mind giving his up temporarily…Kathryn’s ranting broke into his thoughts.

“Fine, Chakotay, I’ll concede. It _might_ have cost more lives if we used the Caretaker’s array to get back to the Alpha Quadrant, and it _might_ not have gotten us back to the bad lands, or anywhere near home,” she gestured wildly with her hands as she paced, “and Voyager _might_ even have been destroyed in the process. Or the Kazon _might_ have destroyed us before we were able to make the attempt. But we have lost people here in the Delta Quadrant, and who knows how many more we will lose, and we may never make it home. Even if we do, these years the crew is separated from their family and loved ones can never be replaced.”

“We’ve made a new family, here on Voyager,” Chakotay replied, “and the relationships between crew members that have formed here in the Delta Quadrant can never be replaced. Would you wish you’d never met Neelix? Or condemn Seven to remain a Borg drone her entire life?”

Kathryn hesitated in her stride for a fraction of a second and then went on pacing. Chakotay decided it was time to try a different approach. He stood up, placed the two pips he had recovered on the coffee table, and planted himself in Kathryn’s path. 

“Kathryn Janeway, you are the strongest person I’ve ever known. I think you are dealing with some big problems, but you can overcome this and I will be here beside you,” he stepped closer to her and held out his hand, “every step, for as long as you want me.”

“You don’t need to do that. You’re my first officer, not the ship’s counsellor. It’s not your job.” She ignored his hand, and he slowly lowered it.

“Are you sure?” he retorted, “who do you think—“ he huffed, “at first it was just the Maquis—but now most of the crew seems comfortable on the couch in my office.”

Kathryn had her arms folded across her chest, but she looked at him in surprise. 

“Didn’t you wonder why it takes me so long to get my reports finished?” Chakotay asked her. “Neelix helps a lot with the crew’s mental health needs, and a few of the women felt more comfortable talking to Kes. Since she’s gone, I’ve asked Samantha Wildman to be available should anyone approach her and I let the ladies know she’s there if they need her, but I’m not sure how that is working out. Naturally the Vulcans don’t need anyone to talk to, and some of the other species are a challenge because they think so differently than we do. Of course I’d had some experience with Bajorans…”

“I had no idea you…you’ve been acting as ship’s counsellor all these years? Is that why you always spend Beta shift in your office? Why I’ve never been able to catch you in your quarters before midnight?”

Chakotay looked a little sheepish. “Yes. I told the crew my door would always be open and I’ve done my best to keep that promise. Sorry I’ve had to cancel our dinners so many times, sometimes it doesn’t feel right to cut someone off when they are talking about personal things. But, Kathryn, I thought you knew. I never said anything to you because I didn’t want you to to worry about the crew or think I was complaining, but I never meant it to be a secret.”

“No. I didn’t know.” She tried to sound stern but she was in awe of him. He gave so much to her, and to find out he had been allowing and even encouraging the crew to tell him their problems and issues, the things they couldn’t work through on their own—and Kathryn knew how hard it must be to work through the trauma they had encountered in the Delta Quadrant. No wonder he looked so tired so often. “I thought your long hours and late reports were due to being overly meticulous.” She offered a little shrug.

“Captain,” he said the word in a drawn out way, “do my reports seem to have been written by someone who is meticulous?”

Kathryn gave a little laugh without smiling. “No.”

“I can tell you, Kathryn, not everyone is happy here on Voyager.” At this her eyebrows raised, as if anticipating the blame for any unhappiness was about to be placed on her. Chakotay put a comforting hand on her arm just above her elbow. “But not everyone was happy in the Alpha Quadrant either. In fact, of the former Maquis crew, those who are unhappy now were also unhappy before. But some, like myself, have let go of the anger that consumed us in the Maquis. I’m not the only one who has found a peaceful life here. I’m not the only one who has found a new purpose. Most of the crew, Starfleet and Maquis, are content. That’s more than I can say for any other crew I’ve served with. All of them support you, and many of them have told me they would be ready to die if you ordered it. I didn’t ask them, they just told me. That’s the kind of loyalty only the best captains can create. And I’ve served under enough captains to know.”

Kathryn had finally unfolded her arms and let them hang at her sides. She was looking much more open and relaxed, so Chakotay gently guided her to the couch, eyeing the two lonely pips on the table as they sat down.

Once they were seated Chakotay took her hand. “Kathryn, if you were to step down, have you thought about the consequences? Have you thought about what I would be left to deal with? Try to imagine it.”  
Kathryn raised her eyebrows, but her fingers curled up in a comfortable way under his. He went on, “Everyone on this ship needs to fill their assigned role. If the Captain refused that ‘assignment,’ it would set a bad precedent and could cause enough dysfunction to affect the operation of the ship; no one would feel they needed to do their job if the Captain didn’t need to do hers.”

“Well, I…wasn’t suggesting I wouldn’t do _anything_ ,” Kathryn replied. Chakotay didn’t want to make her feel guilty, but he couldn’t help raising his eyebrows a bit. She really hadn’t been doing anything for the past two months.

“Also, if I were captain, I would need a first officer. You would hardly be an appropriate choice, after stepping down, and Tuvok struggled to gain the crew’s loyalty while we were stuck on New Earth.”

Kathryn sucked in a sharp breath at the mention of that planet. But Chakotay went on, “Who would the crew have to talk to? With me as Captain, I could hardly hold the office hours I do now, and it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to act as counsellor to the crew. I don’t think Tuvok would, or could, fill that role. It’s really important for them to have someone to talk to, Kathryn, I can’t give specific examples but it just really is.”

Kathryn closed her eyes. “I can imagine. Thank you for being there for them. Thank you so much. Her eyes held a sparkle of admiration as she looked at him, and she intertwined her fingers with his. “Thank you for destroying your ship, for being my first officer, and for everything you have done to make this,” she gestured around with her free hand, “work.”

Chakotay leaned a little bit closer to her, “I meant what I told you on New Earth, Kathryn. I’m committed to making this work. I’ll support you, and Voyager, in any way you need me to, in any way I can.”

Kathryn’s eyes were glistening, and a single tear escaped down her cheek. She quickly brushed it away. “I don’t deserve you,” she replied, but she didn’t let go of his hand. He scooted closer to her. 

“You do," he closed his eyes for a moment, then looked directly in her blue eyes as he said, " Kathryn, I consider our time here together precious, even if it isn’t ideal.”

“Well, we will have plenty of time—by the time we get home, 56 years from now, you and I will be nearly 100 years old, if we live that long. How will this ship function with the entire crew in their 80s at least? I suppose Naomi Wildman will run the entire ship by herself. Who am I kidding, we’ll never survive out here that long.”

Kathryn turned away from her friend to look out the window at the void again.

“Kathryn,” Chakotay said gently as he reached a hand out and lightly nudged her chin so she would look at him, “I have no doubt you could captain this ship and protect her at any age. But,” he grinned mischievously, “if you are concerned about a having a crew compliment fifty years from now, I do have an idea or two.”

Finally, Kathryn smiled. Chakotay’s heart came alive again at the sight.

“I always thought you looked good with a little grey hair,” Kathryn said sweetly. She was rewarded with the sight of his dimpled smile, and her heart began to thaw.

“All right,” Kathryn began in a slightly teasing tone, “in your capacity as ship’s counsellor, is the crew really as well adjusted as you made them sound? They don’t feel like their lives are on hold?”

Chakotay pondered this for a moment, “Other than Harry Kim, who has never said anything to me about a promotion but the whole ship knows how he feels, no. Many of them do miss their families, and it’s not the life they expected, but that’s part of space travel. Also, many of the crew have been pleasantly surprised at what life on Voyager has to offer.”

“In what way?”

Chakotay gave her his dimpled smile, but held her eyes with his own, “Well, I’m not the only one who has found love on this ship.”

Kathryn turned away from him, then scoffed.

Chakotay was silent for a few moments, wondering if Kathryn was ready to hear what he really wanted to tell her. She seemed much more relaxed and open than before. So, softly, he went on. 

“Kathryn, I do love you.” He cupped her cheek with his hand as gently as he could. “You believed me once, on New Earth. Why don’t you believe me now?”

“Because I—I said no. I mean, I never told you I didn’t love you but when we got back to the ship we had to…I made us go back to our command positions and nothing else was allowed. Because of me, and my Starfleet ideals.”

“That didn’t change how I feel about you.”

Kathryn looked at him, and her wide eyes began to glisten with unshed tears.

“I’m not going to stop loving you because you are the captain of this ship, or because you believe in Starfleet’s ideals, or because of the way you see yourself and the decisions you have made. It would take a lot more than any of those things to make me stop loving you. In fact,” Chakotay tilted his head and smiled half a smile, “I don’t think I will stop. So please don’t ask me to stop being your first officer.”

Kathryn held her hand up with her palm facing toward him, and he met it with his own, intertwining his fingers with hers just like they had on New Earth. He felt like this was another new beginning.

Chakotay’s smile faded slightly. “Kathryn, there’s something I need to tell you.” 

Kathryn’s eyes widened at that. She wasn’t in the mood to hear any confessions. “Chakotay—“

“Your pips.” He looked at the coffee table, but didn’t let go of her hand. “There’s the two I found, but the other two must be somewhere in the sofa cushions.” He looked at where she was sitting.

Kathryn’s eyebrows went up as she stifled a giggle with her free hand. “Well, as Captain, I’m ordering you to help me find them.”

“Aye, Captain,” Chakotay teased. They both knelt on the carpet in front of the sofa, feeling between and peering under the cushions. As Kathryn looked in front of the cushion she had been sitting on and Chakotay felt in back of it, he turned to her to suggest they might have more success with the aid of a tricorder. She looked up at the same time, and suddenly their faces were a centimeter apart. His breath hitched, and she noticed. Her gaze flickered to his lips and then his eyes, and, pushing away any thought of protocol, she kissed him. Once Kathryn Janeway committed to an action, she was all in, and this was no different. All of the weight of her self sacrifice, and the passion she kept so well hidden came out in that kiss. Her lips were insistent, and he responded with a desire fueled by the deepest love. Kathryn pushed Chakotay back against the front of the sofa, bringing one of her legs over one of his, and she didn’t stop until he gasped for air.

Everything inside of him was on fire, wanting more. But he said “Kathryn,” and there was a note of warning in his voice. 

Her lips were on his again, and after a thorough kiss, with her lips still touching his, she replied, “I don’t want to stop.” Chakotay kissed her back tenderly and then gently but firmly put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away, which left her in an uncomfortable position—half sitting on his leg and half kneeling on the floor. The pain of rejection was raw in her eyes. 

As she began to crumple in on herself once more, he pulled her into his arms. She could feel his voice as he murmured lowly, “Oh, Kathryn, I do want you. Every day for years I’ve wanted to kiss you and hold you and love you in every way. But you don’t want that.” She pulled back to look at him, her head tilted questioningly. “Tonight,” he continued tentatively, “you are upset, and you seem vulnerable, and I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“But you’re wrong. I do want that. I want you, and I’ve wanted you for years.” She watched as a light began to grow in his eyes, and before she knew what was happening his lips were on hers and then she was the one gasping for breath as his lips moved along her jaw and behind her ear. 

Chakotay relished every feeling as he kissed the woman he loved, knowing he may not have this chance again, and knowing he could never feel this way with anyone else. Life was precious in their line of work, and the future was always unknown. As he tangled his fingers in her hair and kissed the corner of her mouth, his heart burning as he felt her sigh, he thanked the spirits that he was able to convince her to continue as Voyager’s captain. He would love her in any role she assumed, but being her first officer allowed him to unite his duty and the deepest desires of his heart in a way that made him feel whole. As he kissed her cheek near her ear, still supporting the back of her head with one hand, he reached for one of the two pips that were still on the coffee table. Pulling back slightly but still kissing her lips tenderly, he began fastening the pip to her collar where it belonged. 

Kathryn froze for a second, confused at what she could feel his fingers doing at her neck. Then she felt the familiar cold metal of a pip against her skin and giggled, breaking their kiss enough to look at his eyes.

“Chakotay, you don’t have to be sneaky, I will put them back on.”

He gave her his fullest dimpled smile. “I don’t mind at all.” And he ran his fingers lightly around to the back of her neck as he picked up the remaining pip with his other hand. Kathryn tilted her head back, allowing him to place the other pip, and then gave him her most beautiful smile. 

“Well, _Lieutenant_ Janeway,” Chakotay teased, his dimples still showing, “I think we should enlist the help of a tricorder to make you a captain again.” He offered his hand to help her up, and hand in hand they began putting the final tiny pieces of Voyager’s command structure back together.


End file.
